Now, like most B2B’s even I’ve managed the odd trip to the gym to tone up my tush. I’ll never be a gym bunny but my slinky wedding dress and beachy honeymoon is my motivation. I’m also fine-tuning the odd tip and trick I picked up from the experts during my journo days (more of those later bit if all else fails, let’s just say get your spades out!) My end goal is that by the time I hit the departures lounge I’ll be buffed, tanned and totally not to blame for that total eclipse of the sun. So come on girls want to join me? Take a deep breath and, on the count of three, get ready to step away from the sarong….!
Your pre-beach countdown: AKA your DIY home countdown to bikini heaven!
THE PROBLEM: CELLULITE!
THE SOLUTION: Don’t expect miracles but regular smotherings of a caffeine-spiked body cream can smooth the appearance of the dreaded dimple. Sadly, the results won’t be permanent but you will be the prouder owner of a bare-ably perkier looking peach while it matters. What I like about Decleor Slim Effect Localised Contouring Gel Cream, £44 is that it’s not sticky to apply, absorbs quickly and smells really good too. It promises to boost circulation, reduce excess water retention and smooth out my bumpy bits. My fingers are tightly crossed.
THE PROBLEM: ROUGH SKIN!
THE SOLUTION: I use Soap & Glory Exfoliating Scrub Gloves, £4 every morning with a blob of regular shower gel to properly wake myself up as well as buff off any bits of rough skin. Cheap and washable too – what’s not to love?
THE PROBLEM: SPOTTY BOTTY!
THE SOLUTION: Okay, so save this one until you can guarantee absolutely no visitors! Boots Tea Tree & Witch Hazel Charcoal Face Mask, £3.59 promises a blemish-free face so imagine what it can do down south! Okay, I won’t lie, having a mask on your bum feels odd but if it can blitz a spotty botty then it’s worth it.
THE PROBLEM: PANT BEARD!
THE SOLUTION: Silk’n Glide, £148.99 is a really nifty way to permanently fuzz off. It uses HPL (that’s Home Pulsed Light) to kill off the unwanted hairs-down-there at the follicle. It’s fast, easy and painless – plus you can use it before and after sun worshipping.
THE PROBLEM: PASTY SKIN!
THE SOLUTION: Lightly-tanned skin looks lots more healthy and streamlined. What I like about Manuka Doctor ApiBronze Anti-Cellulite Gel, £24.99 is that the creamy gel boasts an anti-cellulite formula to boot. Extra points for that!
Designs for your derriere: aka the most flattering bikini bottom shape for your botty
FLAT BUM? Go for frills. A skirted bikini bottom will give the illusion of a skinnier waist and bigger behind. Nice one! Cleo by Panache Lucille Skirted Bikini Brief, £25
MUFFIN TOP? Cocoon it inside a pair of high waisted bottoms. Provides instant smoothing of love handles too as a bonus. Pour Moi? Hot Spots Control Brief, £18
KARDASHIAN KURVY BUM AND BIG HIPS? Go for a plain bikini that doesn’t draw attention (unless you want it to, in which case go loud and proud!) Sophina Icon Spot Mesh Split Side Bikini Brief, £20
A BOYISH FRAME WITH A SMALL BUM? Look like you’ve got curves to die for and girly up with bows on the sides. Pour Moi Paradise Tie Side Brief, £16
AN ATHLETIC BUILD WITH TONED THIGHS? A boyleg shorts bikini is your best bet as it’ll flatter your booty without looking too material-shy. (me? jealous?) Midnight Grace Mimi Fold Bikini Brief, £18
HEAVIER THAN YOU’D HOPED THIGHS? Keep the focus on your waist by picking a pair of bottoms that offers more coverage. Curvy Kate Siren Short Brief, £18
Bridge Squeeze: Lie with your knees bent, feet flat on the floor and hands palms down at your sides. With your back straight, lift your hips, squeeze your ‘glutes’ (that’s bum cheeks to me) hold for a count of ten then lower. Do 12-15 reps then rest.
Boosted Bridge Squeeze: Up you go again but pulse your hips up and down a couple of inches. Rest after 12-15 reps.
Leg-in-the-air Bridge Squeeze: Lying on your back with your knees bent and feet flat on the floor, straighten one leg then raise your hips into the bridge. It’s not easy at first but persist! Now the really hard bit – lower then raise your hips a couple of inches. Try to get to 12 before resting (or collapsing…!) then go with the other leg.
Donkey Kicks: Start on all fours with your hands under your shoulders. Bend your right knee, flex your foot and lift your leg until your high is parallel to the floor, keeping your bum squeezed the whole time. Lower your leg without letting it touch the floor then kick it up another 12-15 times. Switch legs.
Boosted Donkey Kicks: Back on all fours this time, with your knee up, pulse it up as high as you can then back down a few inches. Do 12-15 then switch legs.
Booty Blasters: Starting on all fours again, lift your right leg straight out to the side keeping your foot flexed. Lower your leg, not allowing your foot to hit the floor then squeeze your bum and go back up to the starting position. After 12-15 reps, switch legs.
Boosted Booty Blasters: Guess what… Get back into position then pulse your leg up and down a few inches. 12-15 should do it before you change legs.
Your holiday hit list: aka on-the-spot tricks for a lovely beach peach
Now apparently, contouring your bum via make-up is becoming a ‘thing’. That’s all very well if you plan on spending your entire out-of-the-bedroom honeymoon time stood up and bone dry. But vertical? In a white bikini? Try these less high maintenance tricks…
1 Smooth it: As your bum only really sees daylight two weeks out of 52, chances are it needs a little TLC. Keep it peachy-soft, and subtly sparkling by mixing L’Oreal Professional Mythic Shimmering Oil, £14 with your aftersun lotion.
2 Protect (and tone) it: Bikini bottoms can rub your sunscreen off – and it’ll hurt like hell if it burns. Try Collistar Smart Slimming Tanning Cream SPF15, £25.50 that cleverly tones your bum while you’re flat out on a sun lounger. How? It’s got caffeine and carnitine, ingredients that claim to fight fat and improve skin texture.
3 Blast it: Keep your botty in shape by blasting it with your hotel’s high-powered showered. Alternate between warm and cold to break down cellulite and shift toxins.
4 Buff it: Sit at the edge of the sea and work handfuls of wet sand into your bum in circular motions for one minute on each side. So what it someone stares, at least your bum’ll be better looking than theirs!
5 Hide it: If all else fails, hollow out a bum-sized hole in the sand underneath your towel. Viola! Instant Taylor Swift skinniness!
So, any other bum advice you’d care to share? Have you tried any pro treatments you reckon hit the spot? I’m definitely on the hunt for a good pro fake tan. I prefer booths (I know, you’re all thinking Ross from Friends.) I’d love your recommendations. Please comment below.
Thanks to Tiffany from www.Bridalpartyrobeshop.etsy.com for the crystal-studded ‘Just Married’ bikini bottoms pic. A must-have on every B2B’s lust-list surely. Yours for £34.91 (comes with the top half too.)